DETROIT, Jan. 26—Residents of Civilian Quarantine Zone #116 began the day with tragedy after a Google-powered autonomous dump truck malfunctioned and crashed into Hulk Hogan Memorial Elementary School, destroying everything in its wake. Onlookers watched in horror as the 27-ton self-driving vehicle lost control and tore through the school, which was made of reinforced concrete and steel, as though it were a cardboard doll house.

The truck’s seemingly pre-meditated trajectory of carnage went on for almost an hour before local authorities were able to put an end to the mayhem with a combination of timed explosives and erratic machine gun fire. In all, a mix of fifteen students and teachers perished during the first few minutes of the onslaught, with dozens of others injured and seeking care in the shelled-out fiery ruins of what was once a local movie theater.

Current Google CEO Michael Hasken issued a brief statement from his pleasure-dome currently orbiting Jupiter, saying he is “unconcerned with the miserable lives of the slaves [he] left to rot on the doomed ball of garbage called planet Earth.”