WYOMING, Jul. 15—Freedom fighter, Jim  “Amputated But Still Alive” Paul Jimson, perished today. He fell, mortally wounded, effectively ending the groundbreaking ceremony for his new greyhound rescue/daycare center when a cabrón of old-world Cadillacs belonging to the Gipeddo family, Italian remnant mafia via Hudson Bay, let off multiple rounds of ammunition into the air.

The family’s violent act spooked Jimson’s corral of greyhounds to such a degree that the dogs became frenzied, broke loose and devoured a child just moments before stampeding Mr. Jimson to death.

It was to be the first ever daycare center in the rugged Teton region.