IRELAND, HOLY CATHOLIC EMPIRE, Oct. 9—Yesterday Marc O’Shamram of peat-depleted bog village Ardagh discovered on a routine muckfishing expedition what is considered to be the last Birkenstock sandal known to man.

O’Shamram reported feeling an immeasurable sadness before throwing it into a swampy cleft and returning to his yurt for a nightly morphine injection. Last night’s violent mucktide surges have made the discovery impossible to confirm.

The shoe was reported to be a US 11.5 women’s left of the “Arizona” style.