BROOKLYN, Feb. 27—Hang On You Sons of Bitches, the longest running bar in post-history, exploded early this morning, leaving eighty-four dead and three wounded. Jim “The Colonel” Mancini claimed responsibility for the act in a communique released today.

Colonel Jim, leader of transatlantic hovercycle gang The Grease Squad, stated that bar owner Tyrone (last name unknown) is “probably monotheistic scum” but that he and his crew “can’t remember what he said or if we even did it ’cause we was real drunk.”

When exhumed from the rubble, Tyrone was quoted as saying: “Fuck it, man.”

The seven-story bar had been open for a record breaking two-hundred thousand consecutive hours.